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Hi

At the moment it seems to get our daughter to do anything we need to offer some form of reward (well really its a bribe).

It’s getting to a stage now that if we want our daughter to do anything, it comes down to bribery - usually chocolate of some sorts! To get her into the car seat - then out the car seat; into the bath - then out the bath; to eat her food; leave the park, staying in the trolley in the supermarkets etc etc!

Always thought you were supposed to reward good behaviour but it seems that more and more often its just to get her do do normal every day things!

Suppose my question is - is this normal, does everyone do the same? Think she may just be super clever and know exactly how to play her mum and dad....

Thanks
AD

Hi Amateur Dad

I’m not quite a dad yet, the little guy is due any time from now really hence my credentials are most probably not the best on this forum.

My two cents though.

I’d say having to bribe your child to do normal things is not the norm. Like you said, rewards for good behaviour are a good thing. But just to get in the car or do a simple task? No, that can’t be right.

So how do you fix the problem?

My suggestion would be.......

I know this is easier said than done but my only suggestion is to be more firm with her. Do NOT allow her to keep getting her way. Once you give in to their demands they will always know what to do if they don’t get their way. It reminds me of a school teacher we had when I was about 9 or 10. He used to threaten us with this and threaten us with that when we misbehaved. He never followed through and we walked all over him. He actually ended up in a mental hospital at one stage. Then there were the teachers we feared! Why? Because you knew they would not take your misbehaving and would correct you as necessary.

Never make a threat (sorry, not a nice word) if you don’t intend to follow through as necessary. My dad was pretty good with this method......"If you do this, then this will happen” ie: with actions, come consequences. And I never crossed the line to test him because I knew he would carry out what he said he would do if I misbehaved!

No doubt it will be hell for a bit as she screams and shouts as you deny her treats for basic tasks.......but stick with it. She’ll soon learn that “daddy isn’t budging so I better behave.”

Good luck and let us know of any progress!

Paul
AKA Whose-the-daddy

I agree absolutely WTD.

Children learn very quickly from watching the responses of adults, in particular their parents, to their actions. Initially, they have no concept of what is acceptable or unacceptable behaviour. They learn this from how we react to their behaviour.

If we reward them for good behaviour they learn that what they have done to get the reward is acceptable. If we reward bad behaviour (i.e. bribery) it teaches them that this is also acceptable.

There is NEVER any occasion when it is acceptable to reward bad behaviour. It might be more convenient at times to do this but, in the long run, it creates a rod for your own back and, what is more important, it does the child a disservice.

It is also important that both parents apply the same responses with regards to behaviour. If they do not do this, then again the child doesn’t learn what is acceptable or unacceptable behaviour. If parents disagree about appropriate responses to their child’s behaviour, good or bad, they should not do so in front of the child. If they do, it teaches the child that it can play one parent off against the other parent to get what it wants.

As WTD said, it may not work first time, but be patient and the child will eventually learn that it can’t have just what it wants, when it wants it or if at all.

Remember also to stay calm, be firm, be consistent and be fair.
,
Hope this helps

haha, also had a few teachers like that - we used to get away with murder as they wouldn’t do anything they said - looking back I actually feel bad now! On the other hand the strict teachers used to scare the heck out of us and wouldn’t say a word wrong the whole class.
My dad used to always be calm and never raised his voice but we cretainly knew when we overstepped the boundary and soon did what he wanted - never even had to punish us as we alsways just knew there was a consequence if we didn’t listen..

I suppose it’s never clear cut with children, and maybe “bribery” not the right word as I also agree it is not conducive to reward bad behaviour. If she is misbehaving she only get a smartie or treat when she calms down or does what is required - hmm wonder if this is still technically rewarding bad behaviour… never thought of it that way and alsways just thought of it as rewarding her because she had something we wanted her to do

Have recently started to use the counting method - “if I count to 3 and you don’t do xyz, TV goes off or teddy / toys go in the cupboard… seems to be working a treat!

Suppose just having patience and being consistent is the key.

At least my wife and I agree on how to discipline so at least the same message comes from both of us..

Will keep you posted on how we get on..

Cheers
AD